
% EVERYTHING WRONG WITH CAPITALISM EXCEPT THE CHRISTIAN CASE AGAINST IT.
% CAPITALISM DISCRIMINATES AGAINST PEOPLE WHO ARE GENEROUS.

Perhaps because of his attitude, perhaps because of his altitude,
perhaps because of his impunity, completely beyond the reach of any
terrestrial authority, or perhaps simply because of what he said and
how he said it, Marc Mercuriou seemed to incite the ire of nearly every
American political leader, regardless of party affiliation or personal
background.

"Get the hell out of the left lane, fifty-five!"

Congressman Richard Ecks leaned on his horn and zoomed around the
slower car, passing it on the right.  His radio and TV show had been
on the air longer than he had been in Congress, and this harried
commute from his office on Capital Hill to his studio in Fairfax had
become a daily ritual.  He pulled into his reserved parking spot and
hustled inside, skipping the elevator and instead jogging up three
flights of stairs.

"What did I miss?" he gasped as he reached the top, where his producer
met him with a blank stare.

"Nothing.  We're still on with the space captain at nine."

Ecks gulped down one of the steamed broccoli and banana seed
milkshakes that he relied on to keep his 300 pound bulk under control.
He changed, put on his makeup, drank half of another milkshake at his
desk on the set, then set it out of view as the cameras came on.

Ecks: "Good evening, and welcome to 'Outside the Beltway'."

Ecks: "Capitalism has produced a society with the highest standard of
living that has ever been seen on this planet.  People are well-fed,
well-housed, generally content with their jobs, with a surplus of
leisure time and disposible income.  Yet our opponents slam us at
every turn because they can't stand the idea of people working hard
and getting rewarded for that work.  Now this thief comes along, this
criminal who has taken advantage of our society, stolen from our
businesses and our government, lied, cheated; he comes along with the
nerve to blame capitalism for what?  For letting him take advantage of
our freedom?  For giving him the opportunity to pull of one of the
greatest con jobs in history -- the 'Republic of Mars'?  Let me start
by asking you, _Captain_ -- how do you justify your theft?"

Mercuriou: "Same way they justified Hiroshima -- it had to be done."

Ecks: "Hiroshima?  We were at war, a war Japan started!"

Mercuriou: "_Japan_?!  What _Japan_?  The women and children, the
innocent civilians that died, _they_ started the war?  _They_ attacked
us?  We did what we _had_ to do to win, and there was some 'collateral
damage'.  Same thing here."

Ecks: "And how... what war... again, how do you justify your theft?"

Mercuriou: "It had to be done!  To stop capitalism!  To stop democracy!
It had to be done!"

Ecks stared bewildered at the screen while Mercuriou droned on.

Mercuriou: "The communists loved to spout off about how they had put
the first man in space, and how they had brought tractors and steel
factories to this backwards, feudal country, and how everyone was
guaranteed an education, and health care, and retirement, and how
wonderful communism was.  And the fascists loved to gush about their
Zeppelin airships, and their autobahns, and how they had pulled
Germany out of a worldwide recession, and how they were rebuilding
their Reich and how great fascism was.  It's all true!"

Mercuriou: "At some point, though, you see a bigger, a more objective
truth.  Every one of these societies was built on the most viscious
traits of mankind, and captialism is no exception.  `Conflict and
competition drive human progress forward,' they say.  We've seen human
progress driven by class conflict, we've seen human progress driven by
racial conflict, and now we've got human progress driven by economic
conflict.  So if you want want Zeppelins, or Sputniks, or Microsoft
Windows, and these things are more important to you than your freedom,
then pick whichever one of these brutal philosophies most appeal to
you and go sign up."

Ecks: "...and all this justifies theft how?"

Mercuriou: "It has to be stopped!  Just like facism!  Just like
communism!  Now, I did what I had to do.  I've answered your question,
so move on."

There was a pause, and then another.

Ecks_Mercuriou_Ecks: "...and this 'Republic of Mars'... how is its government structured?"  "I'm the acting chief executive"  "of course"

Ecks_Mercuriou: "...should we call you President?"
"Captain"

Mercuriou reached dramatically for a prominently positioned switch.

Ecks: "Alright, _Captain_, capitalism may not be perfect, and this
society may not be perfect, but what sets us apart from communism and
fascism is our commitment to freedom."

Mercuriou: "Freedom?  What freedom?  You have the freedom to be a
capitalist, or to work for the capitalists, or to be put homeless on
the streets!"

Ecks: "Well, I guess freedom _is_ limited for people who don't want to
work..."

Mercuriou: "Let's shortcut this debate.  'Work' is a propaganda term
that means 'making money', right?"

Ecks: "No, 'work' means 'work'!"

Mercuriou: "For the capitalist system!  Work
_for_the_capitalist_system_!  You always like to leave that part out!
You carry on like everyone who opposes this society is a lazy bum who
sits around drinking beer and watching Jerry Springer all day!"

Ecks: "They are what they are!  We reward people who work, not people
who don't!"

Mercuriou: "What's 'work'?  Does a stay-at-home mom 'work'?  Does
someone running a soup kitchen 'work'?  And do they get the same
reward as someone running a restaurant?  If I write software and put
it up on the Internet for free, is that 'work'?  Where's my reward?"

Ecks: "Well, that's a hobby."

Mercuriou: "A hobby?"

Ecks: "Something you do in your spare time.  A job is what you do to
put food on the table.  We have to work in order to eat, Captain.  We
have to work to have houses, cars, clothes, computers, all of it.  We
have to sustain ourselves!"

Mercuriou: "How do you sustain yourself?  By refusing to do for people
unless they pay you?  How does that sustain anyone?  But you dodged my
question, Congressman.  Are you defining work as making money, or
doing something productive?"

Ecks: "There's no difference!  That's the beauty of capitalism; people
get rewarded for hard work!"

Mercuriou: "No difference!  Some kid makes millions throwing a
baseball, and father of five make pennies pushing a hot dog cart!  Did
Mother Teresa work?"

Ecks: "She solicited donations; she was paid!"

Mercuriou: "Capitalists do not solicit donations; capitalism is a
restaurant that refuses to serve people unless they pay."

Ecks: "It is capitalism, because we have _freedom_!  You can be a
businessman if you choose, you can be social worker if you choose, you
can be an author, you can be a doctor; it's nothing imposed by the
government; it's your choice!  You can be Mother Teresa!  And you
don't like to hear this, Captain, but most people want is to better
themselves through hard work, not charity handouts!"

Mercuriou: "Then at least admit that capitalism rewards people who
_do_for_themselves_!  Sure seemes like the only way to get rewarded
for hard work is to slap a credit card form on everything!"

Ecks: "Because in the real world, if you just give everything away,
you'll be out of business!"

Mercuriou: "That's right!  That's the 'freedom' of capitalism -- you
become a capitalist or you'll be put out of business!  We pay pitchers
millions a year, support video game, music and film industries that
each rake in more than ten billion a year, blow half a trillion a year
on the military, but we can't afford to feed people in restaurants?
Your 'capitalist democracy' is depraved!  Your leaders are trash!
Your entire society is built on forced labor for these creeps!"

Ecks: "Freedom, Captain, Freedom!!  Who the hell are you to tell
someone else what they can and can't do with their property?!!  How
dare you, you socialist crook, you shameless thief, how dare you tell
someone who's sweated tears and blood that they have to give
everything away for free?!  I've let you rant on because I felt like
listening to your bombast! You're like a blind man screaming 'You
Blinked!'  How are you so much better than all these terrible
capitalists?  You're the worst kind of capitalist -- you've stolen
millions, billions of dollars to build your own dream!  You needed
money -- that's why most people go to work in the morning!  That's why
all these evil capitalists don't just publish all their books on the
Internet -- because the authors need money to write them, money to
print them, money to put food on the table in front of their children!
You've got a problem with _authority_, _Captain_!  Let's take a break
now and I'll introduce our next guest when we return."

